On Answered Prayers

I’ll start this post with a couple disclaimers.  First, this is a post I’ve been holding out on, mainly because it’s a topic that I have struggled with.  The second disclaimer is that I make no apologies for my/our declaration of faith. I appreciate that many of you reading this may not have a personal relationship with God and please know I am not preaching nor judging.  Belief in God is the most personal journey you embark upon – and taking that step is up to you.  This blog was started to provide our loved ones with updates and Cooper but also document our journey as a family. To not include how this has affected our faith would not due the story justice, as it would leave such a huge hole in the truth.

Kristy and I both were raised in Christian homes.  Our parents were an integral part of our development as children, but at some point, your faith needs to become your own.  We have spent the majority of our marriage extremely blessed and comfortable. I will say, that having faith in God is easy during these times.  

As a believer, one of the most difficult questions I have faced from non-Christians, is “how does God allow bad things to happen to good people?  If he is all powerful, why allow war, famine, abuse, sickness?”  Needless to say, this has become more personal now than ever before.

As parents– we are angry. This is not fair for Cooper. He did not deserve to miss his first day of Kindergarten.  He does not deserve to be missing his friends.  He should not have been forced to abruptly and suddenly mature beyond his years.  Yes, we are angry.  Yes, we are angry with God.  To not be angry would be unnatural.

Now what does this have to do with answered prayers?  Well, to be very clear, we have been extremely blessed.  Our families, neighbors, friends, coworkers and, quite honestly, perfect strangers who have caught wind of our story have each been a Godsend in each of their own wonderful ways.  Each visit, provided meal and kind word has been evidence of God’s hand in all of this.  So many have put their lives on hold to try to give us some semblance of normal.  As I have said in past posts, we cannot thank each of you enough!  

As I said above, you reach a point in your relationship with God, where faith becomes internalized. It is not something bestowed upon you through your upbringing, but rather a kindled dormant, internal need to connect with something greater than yourself.  As Kristy and I have been attending our local church for some time now, we have found ourselves not only thanking God for all the blessings in our lives, specifically our children, but also praying that God continues to shows himself to us in a way that is both powerful and motivating to be able to fully commit ourselves to follow him.

This was not the way we expected that prayer to be answered.

I know it sounds morbid - that the God of love and forgiveness would “allow” this to happen to a child that has known nothing but kindness and happiness, but look at it in this manner.  I KNOW that Cooper will go on to do amazing things.  I KNOW that I cannot get through this alone.  I know that a complete, total and unrelenting surrender to God’s plan. I KNOW how this experience has changed me forever and how low it can take you.  God knows better than I do and this diagnosis and journey will forever be a part of our lives and the life Cooper.

As I look at the strength, perseverance, and courage my son shows each and every day – in the face of adversity – I can’t help but see the hand of God in his life.  I never considered that I doubted in Him, but it’s very different now. 

I have prayed that God show himself to me.  One way to look at this situation is to continue to be mad at Him.  I refuse to live my life angry.  I refuse to accept that God struck Cooper with this illness. Instead I strive to look at this illness as a way for us, as a family, to focus not on the sickness, but the love and amazing healing and support that He and our community and family have shown us while we were at our lowest.

So why did I title this post “On Answered Prayers” because through the struggle that is cancer of my child, I am coming to see God’s grace in my son through his amazing strength and perseverance, in my family through their ability to put their life on hold to simply “be there”, in my community of seemingly strangers who hug us at the gym and tell us that God is with us.  Despite our anger, despair, and fear – God has supported us through all.

My prayer to see God’s face has been answered.