Thankfulness Amid the Storm

"Normalcy" these days is a delicate balance. Cooper has been feeling great, thanks to the maintenance phase he is in right now. We are thankful for that, and thankful for the constant progress that we see. If we're being honest, some days we almost forget that he is sick...almost.

However, we have realized that sometimes when things feel more normal the going gets tough. I know that sounds strange, but to be honest, "normalcy" in a way allows you the space to fully realize all that has gone wrong. Allows you time to observe all that has come crashing down. In the past several months, none of this was recognized because we were simply running on adrenaline. Adrenaline can cloud your reality, or at least make you ignore it for a little while. Time and space allows you to recognize things for what they are, to see the negative, to feel the judgement, to have to answer all of the questions. It takes a toll. It often isn't until things settle that you feel the weight of the world on your shoulders.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not naive in this new world that we're swimming in. I realize how blessed we are that treatment is going well, that Cooper is feeling good. But as I said, it's a delicate balance between finding the things that you are thankful for, but also the stark realization of where you are.

We have talked a lot about perspective in this journey, because I think it is the biggest lesson we have learned. The other lesson is that the things that you think are hard and difficult, just might be something that someone else wishes for and hopes for. I know that while we may have difficulty now that we have the space to appreciate the gravity of our situation, there are many who have their children in-patient, or rather don't have their children at all, who wish they could be swimming through our challenges. At the same time, we wish that we had the difficulty of packing school lunches, being late for various after school activities, seasonal colds and things that are fixed with cherry flavored medicine and chicken noodle soup. It's a balance. Within this balance, often all you have is your faith to hold on to. To be thankful for the good days. To pray for those who may wish for our struggles, because there are many of those who are spending their Thanksgiving in the hospital or spending the first holiday with an empty chair. To try to block out the negative and the questions, because constantly reliving things when everything is stable, is still too much. There's a saying that goes, "when you're climbing a mountain, it's the sand in your shoes that bring you down." This is absolutely true. There is also a lot to be said for the fact that when you're in this, you wish for the "sand" a lot.....the sand without the mountain. The sand being what is normal, because there is nothing normal about this.

Recently, I have read about the struggles of this time of year...the most wonderful time of the year. For many it is not. For many it is a reminder of what things should be, or a reminder of who is not there. This is our first experience navigating the holidays with a monumental struggle. The pain is real, but you have to move forward with the hopeful intention that there is no darkness where light cannot be seen.

At the end of the day we have our faith and each other, and the support that surrounds us. We see the progress. See the fact that Cooper smiles through his eyes again, can run again, can jump. He can accomplish things now that he couldn't before because treatment is working. We also see the smiles of our little girl, who brings us joy through all of this and who will never know the struggle. And because of that we will buckle down and push through. We will cling to the positive, and for that in this season, we are thankful.